I been taking sips of haterade

Soooooooooo things have not gotten better really. I'm still broke and I'm still pissed off. I am noticing that I am becoming jealous of people of over dumb shit. I feel like i should be happy for any of my friends or family but frankly I'm not. I cant stand that I cant do shit other people are doing. People go out, have drinks, go different places for the sake of going there and here I am counting every fucking penny cause of all of the bullshit I have to pay for. I know that there are people out there doing worse than me but I'm sorry I cant think about that all the time. I have no kids, I haven't bought a house, I'm not married, nor do i have a car yet so its not even like the money I am spending is doing me any good beside keeping a roof over my head and the lights on. I want to do shit like go get my nails, feet and eyebrows done and not give a fuck that it costs 50 bucks. I want to buy stuff that i like in stores that's decently priced. i just want to go back to living my life my own way. I just don't know if i can take being tied down anymore. im a true to the core 100% Gemini and i need to be free. I didn't want to believe all the fucked up shit my horoscopes say about Geminis but the honest truth is pretty much everything they say about them fits me to a tee. as much as i try to deny it. They say Gemini's are moody, well my bf can be the first one to tell you i am moody as fuck. I can go from being happy and energetic to crying and near suicidal in 5 secs. I look at my pregnant cousin and all the shit she is able to do even though she technically makes less than me. shes gotten so many breaks in life plus has someone who will do damn near anything to get paid and the little money he hustles helps them a BUNCH and i have had to work hard for what little i do have. everyone i know has a fucking flat screen and im still watching the tv ive had for the last 4 years. she has a car, shes got a lil money to spend on her even though her so called fiance is an asshole most of the time. all of my other cousins are doing well and im mad that i really cannot even be happy for them. i feel like im fucking trapped and theres now way out of this life. I mean im trying to do all i can but the money only goes so far. I mean i can barely even go and buy a fucking pair of cheap sandals so i dont have to keep walking around in fucked up shoes. everyone else i work with has decent work clothes and im running the few good pieces of clothing i have like diarrhea. Im just sick of everything and i need a break before i go insane. i cant take feeling depressed and angry all the fucking time. Apparently i can hide it well cause ppl think im happy all the time .....ha not. i just need a break from everything .....work ...my bf....my family(aka facebook) and i just need to chill, smoke a couple ounces of good kush and just forget the whole world. Shit has to change and soon .....cause if i end up blowing up or snapping at some point the fallout will not be pretty.