I been taking sips of haterade

Soooooooooo things have not gotten better really. I'm still broke and I'm still pissed off. I am noticing that I am becoming jealous of people of over dumb shit. I feel like i should be happy for any of my friends or family but frankly I'm not. I cant stand that I cant do shit other people are doing. People go out, have drinks, go different places for the sake of going there and here I am counting every fucking penny cause of all of the bullshit I have to pay for. I know that there are people out there doing worse than me but I'm sorry I cant think about that all the time. I have no kids, I haven't bought a house, I'm not married, nor do i have a car yet so its not even like the money I am spending is doing me any good beside keeping a roof over my head and the lights on. I want to do shit like go get my nails, feet and eyebrows done and not give a fuck that it costs 50 bucks. I want to buy stuff that i like in stores that's decently priced. i just want to go back to living my life my own way. I just don't know if i can take being tied down anymore. im a true to the core 100% Gemini and i need to be free. I didn't want to believe all the fucked up shit my horoscopes say about Geminis but the honest truth is pretty much everything they say about them fits me to a tee. as much as i try to deny it. They say Gemini's are moody, well my bf can be the first one to tell you i am moody as fuck. I can go from being happy and energetic to crying and near suicidal in 5 secs. I look at my pregnant cousin and all the shit she is able to do even though she technically makes less than me. shes gotten so many breaks in life plus has someone who will do damn near anything to get paid and the little money he hustles helps them a BUNCH and i have had to work hard for what little i do have. everyone i know has a fucking flat screen and im still watching the tv ive had for the last 4 years. she has a car, shes got a lil money to spend on her even though her so called fiance is an asshole most of the time. all of my other cousins are doing well and im mad that i really cannot even be happy for them. i feel like im fucking trapped and theres now way out of this life. I mean im trying to do all i can but the money only goes so far. I mean i can barely even go and buy a fucking pair of cheap sandals so i dont have to keep walking around in fucked up shoes. everyone else i work with has decent work clothes and im running the few good pieces of clothing i have like diarrhea. Im just sick of everything and i need a break before i go insane. i cant take feeling depressed and angry all the fucking time. Apparently i can hide it well cause ppl think im happy all the time .....ha not. i just need a break from everything .....work ...my bf....my family(aka facebook) and i just need to chill, smoke a couple ounces of good kush and just forget the whole world. Shit has to change and soon .....cause if i end up blowing up or snapping at some point the fallout will not be pretty.

Tired of Being Stressed

So here I am sitting here with 125 bucks to my name until payday in two weeks. I honestly dont know if i can keep going through this shit every month. I have finally realized you just cannot support 2 people on one persons income. Im doing everything I can to try and be a good woman but fact is I just cant keep on doing it on my own. Here I am sitting here tryna decide If I need my meds or another bra cause i can get one or the other but not both. why cause i have to have money for trees(i dont take pills and honestly weed is the only thing keepin me from going completely, totally and utterly BATSHIT FUCKING CRAZY), on top of buying beer and cigs all the damn time for my man. Why do i do it? cause i love him more than anything.But i must say it stings like a bitch when i look at my family members and see that their guys are helping them out. Im sitting here dealing with bullshit tryna keep it together. Im sick of working so hard and not being able to do anything extra. I cant go out for dinner and do random stuff like i used to. I cant buy clothes like i used to. I cant get my eyebrows, feet and nails done like i used to. Y? cause theres no money.  and instead of speaking up and forcing him to go out and do something i sit here and do everything i can to keep him happy, even if im not.

Im really starting to fully understand R Kellys song "When a Womans Fed Up" cause i feel like im kind of getting to that point. For the first year he was out of work i was fine with that cause we were somewhat ok and he had his money and i had mine. but now on year three and the fact that im in my own apt paying all my rent and bills by myself, its fucking hard. It just dont even seem like hes trying anymore. Not to mention our potential to make more money depends on me having a little money to invest in anything he thinks he can sell at a profit and let me tell you that puts my stress level up in the fucking stratosphere. I used to work at a Plasma Donation Center and now we live right down the street from it . But he wont go. I mean yeah its only 20-40 bucks a donation but that will pay for a few packs of cigs and a few beers and right now even that would help. Im sitting here looking for a 2nd job but yet he gets to sit here and smoke and be on the computer everyday. i dont. im gone for at least 9 hours a day and at the most 15 or 16 hours a day. on top of work i have to run errands, work out and whatever else then i get to go home. and what do i see when i come back, him on the couch, with the laptop, pipe and weed on the table and sometimes he may be sleeping and it makes me mad as fuck cause i dont get to do that. ever. theres always something i have to fucking do.  i feel bad for going in on him like i am but i need a place to rant and i have no body to talk to. i dont want to have to break up with him because i feel at times like i cant live without him and there are tons of things i love about him but im tired of being stressed. Either something gotta change asap or imma be starting out August as a single lady.